Glorifying god on the golf course

One would think that god's ego was big enough and his psyche was secure enough that he didn't have to worry about being "glorified" by piddly-ass little humans on this piddly-ass little planet called Earth. I mean, c'mon, Earth is to the universe as a tear in the eye is to the ocean!

Lots of fundamentalist Christians, however, don't see things that way. They worry a lot about "glorifying" god. That means they are constantly on the alert to make sure they are living according to god's laws, and strive always to do things in such a way that people can look at them and say, "Wow, that guy really glorifies god!"

Breakawaymag.com is a site that helps guys glorify god. It is, not surprisingly, part of James Dobson's Focus on the Family organization. Breakway is for "Life, God, Truth. For Guys." Not Gals. Gals gotta go somewhere else. I'm sure Dobson can help. Or his wife, Shirley. They pray a lot. Prayer changes things.

But on Breakaway, Guys can find help for their spiritual life--things having to do with god and faith, and get good info on music and sports, and they can obtain help for their lust, which is a constant problem for guys, you know.

Jesus said if you lusteth after a female type person in your heart, you've committed adultery or something. What makes that a problem is that all guys lusteth in their hearts after female types of persons all the time! Anyway, Breakaway can help. Maybe. Perhaps you shouldn't count on it. There's no way out of lusting in your heart! If people tell you differently, they're lying!


Breakaway likes to show off exemplary examples of people who glorify god and control their lusts. One such example is a golfer by name of Zach Johnson. If you follow the game of golf at all you know that Zach beat Tiger Woods and Retief Goosen to win the Masters golf tournament on Easter Sunday, 2007.

What was a good Christian doing out on the golf course on Easter Sunday morning, you ask? I don't know. But I think he thinks god gave him a bye for that day. The Masters is a pretty big deal, you know. Very few people win the Masters. Only one person every year. And there are a lot of professional golfers. And not very many can beat Tiger. Ever.

So Zach was pretty proud. Well, I would have been. It was pretty exciting, too. "Zach Johnson stood on the 18th green at the hallowed Augusta National Golf Club on Easter Sunday 2007. With a two-shot lead, his mind began to race. He said a quick prayer to thank God for the round of his life, a closing 69 for a tournament total of 289 ..."

I don't know who wrote that, but it is dramatic. Makes the golf course sound like a church - "hallowed Augusta National Golf Club." Doesn't "hallowed" mean "holy?" For a lot of golfers, Augusta is the "holy of holies!" And maybe that's why Zach thanked god.

But what did god have to do with it?

And that question ties in with something else Breakaway said in gushing over this young man who just happens to be a Christian (one of many fundamentalist Christians on the PGA tour, by the way): "When little known Zach Johnson rose from the PGA ranks to win the prestigious Masters ... he was quick to credit Jesus. That's nothing new for the hardworking and consistent golfer from Iowa."

Let's not get carried away here, OK? What did god and Jesus have to do with Zach's winning the Masters, exactly? And aren't god and Jesus the same person? Did he (god and Jesus) take Zach's arms and make sure he followed through on his swing? Did the deities hold his putter steady and on line with one hand and hold his head still with the other?

Or maybe it was like a drug, where god/Jesus inserted himself (themselves?) into Zach's muscle memory so he just couldn't miss, or perhaps god became absorbed by a vitamin Zach took that morning which gave him so much fortitude and calmness he was able to enter the Tiger's den without twitching a muscle?

People talk about god doing this and god doing that all the time, but I don't know what they mean? Do they know what they mean? Do you think they could explain how it happens so that normal folks could understand it?


Breakaway said that Zach was "quick to credit Jesus." Golly, gee. Can't Zach take some of the credit himself? And why "quick?" Would Jesus think him a slacker if the first words out of his mouth on Easter Sunday on the 18th green at Augusta were not "Thank you, Jesus"?

It must have been in the back of Zach's mind that god better get his share of the glory or....well, you never know. Thus, he "expanded on his faith-filled story during the post-tournament press conference..." Wearing that green jacket (which may have been a bit prideful, dontcha think?), Zach "told the international press corps, "Being Easter, my goal was to glorify God, and hopefully I did that today. It was a day of perseverance and patience, and being Easter Sunday, I feel very blessed. I felt there was a power working within me."

And how did he feel in the final round with a Tiger chasing his tail? "I just tried to stay in the moment and started praying."

Wow. That is really a "display of humble faith," says Breakaway. I wonder. It sounds like a bunch of self-righteous religious gobble-de-gook to me. The Masters isn't to glorify a god, it's to play golf! And what an ego! Zach says "there was a power working within me," implying that the god of the universe was so concerned that Zach win the masters so he could glorify himself that he went down to piddly-ass little Earth and spiked Zach's morning coffee or something to give him a "power."

Don't you think if there was a god of the universe who would come down to piddly-ass little Earth and give Zach a bump he might also be able to do something about too much ozone in the atmosphere and relieve this global warming thing so that we'd all survive long enough to play golf in the years to come?

Maybe while he was at it he could also send Hamas to hell along with Hizbullah so that there would be a chance for peace in the Middle East.

And the Katrina victims are still looking for their houses and waiting for FEMA.

Now Iowa's up the creek - literally. (Including Cedar Rapids which is Zach's hometown. Oh oh! Maybe Zach didn't say "Thank you, Jesus" quick enough!) Couldn't god forget about being glorified long enough to do a Red Sea trick and disperse the water down to Texas where they really need it?

Last, but, as they say, not least, what about the other born-again Christians on the course that Easter Sunday morning? Did they not want to win and glorify god? Why would god choose this pious wingnut over some other pious wingnut?

Actually, this is lastly but not leastly: Wouldn't you think if there really was a moral, ethical, loving god out "there" somewhere, that a person - even a non-religious person - who was working on a cure for cancer, or feeding the poor, or healing the sick, etc., on an Easter Sunday morning, would be more likely to "glorify" that god than some wealthy, privileged scion of an Iowa chiropractor, who as the result of his ability to swing a stick of iron, is given the royal treatment to sooth his anxieties as he wends his way about one of the most beautiful golf courses in the world?

(Footnote: I have nothing against Zach Johnson or any other professional golfer. What the fundamentalist Christians need to realize, however, is that by spouting off about their faith on the golf course, they do not "glorify" god. They merely make fools of themselves, send everybody running for the beer tent and actually give their god a bad name.)