Friday, November 14, 2008
A priestly hell
According to one so-called "man of god," a Roman Catholic priest in South Carolina, Catholics who voted for Barack Obama are going to hell and should not receive communion unless "they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."
When word of what this priest said got to heaven, Jesus Christ, sitting at the right hand of the Father, who is himself, next to the Holy Ghost, who is also himself, said loudly to the angel Gabriel, who was seated in front of the trinitarian One, "Jesus Christ! These people are idiots! Did they not ever listen to what I said? Bring me a martini, Gabe, straight-up, shaken, not stirred."
"Aye, aye, Sirs," said Gabe, who straight-away went to find a bar. There's one on every corner in heaven, you know.
"Now, settle down, Jeez," said the Father who is Jeez and the Holy Ghost. "No sense getting your robe in a knot. They'll never learn. We made a serious mistake with that vision you cooked up for the faux rabbi, Paul! Who knew he'd screw everything up so badly?"
"Hey," chimed in the Holy Ghost who is Jeez and the Father. "I could do one of my numbers on that priest and make him disappear when he's putting on his alb in the sacristy. Presto! I could turn him into sacramental wine. He'd be gone."
"Ah, phooey," said Jeez. "That wouldn't solve the problem. Those damn bishops are making all kinds of noise about this abortion thing, too. God, you'd think they'd have better things to do!"
"Yup!" said the father.
"You know we worked hard to get Obama in the White House," said the Holy Ghost. "All those damn prayer warriors whining about that goofball cheerleader from Alaska! Give me a break!"
"That was a pain," said Jeez. "They just about shut down our whole system for a month! Wait until I get my hands on that Muthee character and that Dobson nut out in Colorado Springs! Muthee's gonna do about a million years with the witch of Endor. That oughta shut him up! And Dobson, well, when I get through with him, he'll be begging me to toss him off the top of Pike's Peak!"
"So, what now?" asked the Father.
"I don't know," the Trinity cried in unison. "We've fought these self-righteous bastards for 2,000 years and what have we got to show for it? Benedict XVI, John Hagee, Dobson, Ted Haggard, Pat Robertson, Joel's Army, Pentecostalism ... I'm about ready to throw in the towel."
"Nah, we can't do that," said Jeez. "We've got too much invested. Boy, I sure wish we'd had better biblical editors. They really screwed things up. Nobody knows what to believe and the ones who think they know are making the situation worse."
"All right, I'm about ready for my nap," said the Father as Jesus and the Holy Ghost suddenly became very tired. "We gave these idiots free will and we can't go back on our word. But we can change our reward system, 'cause they really don't know what we've got planned. I'd suggest that a special hell be set up where all those who claim to have the Truth will go when they die. It will involve horrible torture and I expect there will be lots of pain and screaming. But we'll let the Devil deal with that."
Jesus and the Holy Ghost, almost asleep now, asked groggily, "What the hell are you talking about, Dad?" They never call the Father, Dad, unless they're very tired and of course being One they already knew what he was talking about.
"We're going to make them listen to Sarah Palin speeches over and over again for seven million years!"
"Oh, my God!" they exclaimed in a unified trinitarian cry.
And then, the three of them, as one, took a nap.
But that South Carolina priest has no idea what he's in for!