Jesus hates homos (?)

It's right there in the bible. The New Testament. Somewhere. I think.

You remember how you were taught in Sunday School that Jesus chased homos all over Palestine, cursing them and calling for them to be stoned. Homosexuality was his main agenda. He hated homos. You can read all about it in Matt, Marcus, Lukey and Juan.

For example, in one of those books, Jesus said, "Let them [homosexuals] be accursed. I call down upon these deviates the wrath of Almighty God (my dad), and shall see them burn forever in hell." I'm sorry, but I can't remember the actual chapter and verse.

You may also recall that Jesus suspected Peter might be a little gay. That's the real reason he said, "Get thee away from me, Satan!"

And you remember when he told the Samaritan woman at the well she had had too many husbands. The word, "husbands," was obviously a euphemism for female lovers.

Pilate, the Roman governor, "washed his hands of Jesus," because Pilate was gay [well, actually, he was bi-sexual] and he was thoroughly pissed at Jesus' rants about homos. That's why the Romans hung Jesus on the cross. They figured they'd get rid of this homo-hating Jew once and for all.


Well, they got rid of Jesus but they didn't get rid of his hatred of homosexuality. Most of his followers from the very beginning took up the cause and drummed any suspected gays out of the new churches they were building.

But as the church grew down through the ages, homo-hatred abated somewhat, as many of the clergy were homosexuals--closeted mostly. It appears that is still the case in the Roman Catholic Church.

Today, though, lots of Christians [mostly the fundy Bible-lovers] hate homos. There's one group called The Traditional Values Coalition that makes it their business to hate homos and do everything it can to make the lives of homosexuals miserable. They are just following Jesus, they say, who is going to send every homosexual, pedophile deviate straight to eternal hellfire.

On the TVC website, they warn that "The homosexual activist movement and organized pedophiles are linked together by a common goal: To gain access to children for seduction into homosexuality."

You know, I think I remember Jesus preaching about that once. It was right after he changed the water into wine at Cana. Most of the people present thought he was drunk as a skunk.


Even the liberal Protestant Episcopal Church in the U.S. has been infected by homo hating clergy and lay people. In our town, the oldest and largest Episcopal church broke away from the Episcopal denomination because the Episcopal church has allowed a gay person to be ordained as a bishop. Several California Episcopal churches and many of the Episcopal churches in the Pittsburgh diocese have done the same thing for the same reason.

The leaders and the members of these churches love Jesus so much, they say, and they want to follow him so desperately, that they must set off to establish their own "pure" churches where they can avoid the toxic illness that is homosexuality. They stress that the Bible says homosexuality is bad, sinful, an abomination. They probably have read all those passages in the Gospels that tell how Jesus beat up on homos in Galilee and Samaria and Jerusalem.

Then there's a homo-hating priest in England who is trying to love Jesus and hate homos, like all good Christians should. He's a priest in the Church of England [that's the same outfit as the Episcopal church in this country] and his name is Peter Mullen and he's the chaplain to the London Stock Exchange.

Mullen has a blog. On that blog he wrote that gays should be forcibly tattooed with a sodomy warning, a warning like the one on a package of cigarettes. "Let us make it obligatory for homosexuals to have their backsides tattooed with the slogan 'Sodomy can seriously damage your health,' their chins with 'Fellatio kills.'" [It appears he was talking about male homosexuals. I don't know what he'd suggest for lesbians.]

He also called for the banning of Gay Pride parades. And Mullen blasted a fellow clergyman for "blessing the civil partnership of two fellow clerics."

Jesus said, as I'm sure you know: "Church of England priests in the 21st century C.E. shall not join in civil partnerships with members of the same sex." I believe that's from the Gospel of St. Sybil.


Holy crap! What if all these people are wrong? What if Mullen is wrong? Mullen's the chaplain of the London Stock Exchange! Maybe the crashing market is a sign that Jesus has changed his mind about homos. Maybe when he got back up to his father in heaven he learned that his father really does love all people no matter their race, creed, or sexual orientation.

Wouldn't that be something?