Joe Bob Godlymann is one of those unknown, unsung prophets of the biblical word. CEO of the Contrarian School, Godlymann has decided it is time to speak god's prophetic word to a world desperately in need of the truth. Godlymann has a special relationship with god, and god has spoken directly to Godlymann several times.
For example, one time Godlymann was on his knees in prayer at the Contrarian chapel, when he saw an angelic-like vision appear on the wall behind the altar. The vision spoke, saying "Be awake, Joe Bob, be alert, I shall soon return with a word from god. She is not happy!"
Another time, and this was when he got instructions where he would receive his main vision, Godlymann was waiting on the 18th tee box at Pebble Beach, thoroughly pissed as he'd previously dumped a dozen balls into the Pacific, when he heard a voice speaking in his golf bag. Startled, he grabbed the bag, turned it upside down, dumping his clubs on the ground. Unfortunately, a side pocket was open and all of his tees and his Rolex watch fell into a muddy patch.
"Dadgummit!" said Godlymann (who seldom curses). Then the voice said, "Hey, get over it, Godlymann, I'm trying to talk to you."
"Jesus!" exclaimed Godlymann.
"No," said the voice. "Jesus is a myth. I'm real. I'm the god you pray to all the time, and I've got a message for you to share with the world. If you recall, the angel you saw told you I was pissed off. Well, I am! So listen carefully."
Godlymann's foursome included a priest of the Greek Orthodox persuasion, an Orthodox Jewish rabbi, and a Roman Catholic bishop. They watched as Godlymann bent his ear to his empty golf bag.
"What the hell is he doing?" asked the bishop.
"He's always been a little weird," said the priest.
"I think he's praying," suggested the rabbi.
Godlymann stood up straight. "I heard you guys," he said. "And you're all wrong. But I've got to go now." And Godlymann, leaving his clubs strewn next to his empty bag, forgetting even the Rolex, ran toward the clubhouse. The three clergymen would not see him for several months.
The Contrarian School is based upon the book of Revolution. The book of Revolution was supposed to be in the New Testament, but certain sneaky Christians paid off the "orthodox" bishops in the 4th century to dump Revolution in favor of The Revelation of John. The bishops then systematically destroyed all copies of the book of Revolution. Except one.
The one they missed was hidden in a cave near Masada and it was discovered a few years ago by a Israeli model on a photo shoot who hid in the cave to change her bikini. Esther Zivni threw it in her big tote and took it to Tel Aviv where she locked it away in her bank safety deposit box. It was there for several months. By that time, of course, the model had lost her looks and had to go to work for the Israeli army as a recruiting officer. Then, she remembered the book and after retrieving it from the bank, she began to read it. She was astounded.
What to do? It was obviously god's word. But no one knew about it. No one had even heard of it. Then she remembered an American she'd had an affair with about a year previously. She smiled. That was a Mount Ararat experience! Esther called her former lover whose name was Joe Bob Godlymann. She had met Joe Bob on the Mount of Olives when he was on a pilgrimmage to Israel. She was, he said, his Israeli surprise.
Joe Bob laughed at first. A book called Revolution? Finally, still believing Esther had lost her mind, Joe Bob said to send it to him.
That's where it began. Joe Bob read Revolution. Out of that came the Contrarian school. Today, the Contrarian school consists of three professors and 42 students. Most of the students are refugees from neo-Pentecostalism. They arrived in great psychological torment, severely damaged, but after months of counseling, they gradually returned to their senses.
Just because the Contrarian school is small does not mean that what it teaches is wrong. The name was taken from Revolution 1:36: "Contrary to the teachings of the Christians in Rome and contrary to the Emporer Constantine, I, God, did not require a Jewish person named Jesus to be sacrificed for the forgiveness of sins. On the contrary, I do not require anything. All people are my sons and daughters and I love them and forgive them unconditionally. What I have said, at least since the age of the prophets, is that in return for that unconditional love, my children should treat each other with mercy, justice and yes, even love."
The name of the book of Revolution derives from Revolution 15:1: "The message of mercy, justice and love has always been revolutionary. The Lord calls upon all of her followers to join the revolution and help restore creation to what she originally intended."
For several years now, the Contrarian school has been studying the book of Revolution. It's main thrust is to train scholars in the book of Revolution to carry the message of God to all people. One man and two women graduated recently to enter the world with this message of mercy, justice and love, but they made a terrible mistake. They hired on as writers for the McCain political campaign. All returned to the Contrarian school terribly shaken and discouraged. Their message was not welcomed and they were scorned and disparaged at every turn.
That's when Joe Bob Godlymann received his third vision. The first vision was the angel in the chapel. The second was a speaking golf ball in the bottom of his bag at Pebble Beach, during which he was instructed to hurry to the Hall of Mirrors at Versailles in France. Two and half days later, dragging from the long flight and time change, he tagged alongside a bunch of Japanese tourists all taking pictures, into the Hall of Mirrors.
"Psst," a voice said behind a golden pedestal. Joe Bob grunted, shook his head, and went to the golden pedestal. This time he saw no figure, just a golden glow, but a voice gave him a prophetic message to share with the world. Joe Bob, stunned and fully awake now, promised he would do his best, but asked, "Why the hell did I have to fly all the way over here to Versailles and meet you in the Hall of Mirrors?" The glow seemed to glow brighter. "I don't know. I just love this place, don't you?" and the glow slowly disappeared.
That reminded Joe Bob of Revolution 33:9, where it says the Lord's ways are mostly inscrutable to mere humans.
But Joe Bob wasted no time. Upon arriving home, he sat down at his computer and began to write his now famous "Revolutionary Prophecy" e-mail. It would go to 250,000 people because Joe Bob had purchased a client list from a mole he had planted at the Republican National Committee.
The Revolutionary Prophecy:
This is a vision from the God of Revolution:
Do not waste your time praying. I don't listen to most of your whining, anyway. And stop with the anti-abortion and anti-gay stuff. I love all people unconditionally. I understand why some people might choose to have an abortion. Homosexuality is not a choice. It's part of the way things are.
There are a lot of things to do in the world and you need to get busy. Stop that damn war in Iraq, which really isn't a war anyway. That's what I call a sin. All that death and misery! And some of you claim to be my friends. Not so!
Take care of each other. That's what you're supposed to do. Take care of your young and your old. Set up an educational program that works and health care for everyone. And figure out how to feed the hungry! If any one single person is hurting, I'm hurting.
You'd better do something about the environment, too. You really messed up that one! Give up the fossil fuels. Stop with the "Drill, drill, drill." Sheesh! What? Are you a bunch of idiots? There isn't going to be enough oil for the next generation anyway! Don't you care about your children and grandchildren?
Stop, too, with the socialism stuff. I don't give a hoot about your economic systems, so long as they work and provide benefit for everyone and not just those rich SOBs who are on my shit-list anyway.
Figure out a way to talk to each other when you disagree. Bombing isn't the answer. And you must not fight about religious stuff. I don't care about any of that.
What's with the witches? Have some of you lost your minds? The only witches are the ones you conjure up with your crazy beliefs! Same with demons and devils. They only exist inside your brain. I'm sick to death of all the prayers about occultists and other crap. It's all nonsense and nothing more than the attempt of so-called spiritual leaders to gain control over huge numbers of people. I reject all of it!
I want mercy, justice and love. Is that so damn hard to understand?
Oh, one last thing. I usually don't get involved in elections in any country, but this one is pretty important. Stop with the nastiness about Obama. He's going to win and he's going to need the help of everyone. And he's a Christian, for Christ's sake!
Mercy, justice and love. Can you remember those things? And stop praying for McCain/Palin. It ain't gonna happen, and I'm really tired of listening to all that hatred and bigotry been spewed out in my name.
Let the revolution happen!