Sunday, February 1, 2009
Who's god will win the Super Bowl?
The Arizona Cardinals and the Pittsburgh Steelers - violent engines of physical destruction - both claim a number of players who profess the Christian faith.
For the Cardinals: Kurt Warner, Tim Hightower and Roderick Hood, among others.
For the Steelers: Aaron Smith, Troy Polamalu and Willie Parker, among others.
These guys are not hesitant about speaking of their faith. And they will all invoke the name of their god as they do battle later today. The question is, who's god's gonna win?
Maybe Roderick Hood's god. Hood is said to pray before he heads out on the field, during the game and after the game. But he doesn't ask his god to let his team win. No. He just wants his god to keep everyone "safe."
Think about that a minute: Professional football is designed to be a violent, bone-cracking exercise in brutality. That's what makes it so much fun! Yet Mr. Hood wants his god to intervene to ensure that as these overpaid brutes try to kill each other, no one gets hurt.
But Kurt Warner, the Arizona quarterback, is also a christianist, and his god is perhaps more powerful than Hood's. He's always talking about his god and how wonderful his god is and how he really, really has trust in his god. Kurt carries his Bible with him everywhere (well, maybe not when he's actually out on the playing field). But he did take it to the press conference after Arizona's win over Philadelphia which put them in the Super Bowl. Why he would do that, I dunno. Not much chance to read it. I suppose it's to show everyone what a great and wunnerful christianist he really is.
Back to the important question: Who's god's gonna win?
We just don't know at this point. We've placed several calls to the heavenly area code, but are still waiting for a response from the Lord. One angel told us "off the record," 'cause she wasn't authorized to give this information, that the Lord never, ever announces his future plans. The reason being it would upset the odds the bookies set up who work out of the Heaven's Gate Pub.
The she giggled: "The Lord thinks all those wacky preachers on earth who go around predicting the end-times are soooo funny," she said. "Nobody knows and it may never happen. Then again, he has said he might let it all end the way it began. Sometimes the Lord jogs around heaven singing, 'It all started with a bang, so let it blow, let it blow, let it blow.'"
She became very serious: "Seriously," she said, "the Eastern Med Saints, which includes St. Paul, by the way, have set up a pool for the end-times. They have a big sign on the Golden Plaza Turnpike. It reads 'Jump in the pool for end-times' sake!' And that puts pressure on the Lord not to reveal when the end-times are gonna happen. Some of the saints are pretty feisty, and he could have a saintly brawl on his hands."
Then the angel whispered "Bye, bye." She giggled again, and as she hung up the phone I could hear her singing in a delightful soprano voice, "Let it blow, let it blow, let it blow."