Happy Holy Days

Damn, this "war" on Christmas is so tough.

The country is loaded with pagans, and liberals, and so many other trash-types, that Christmas just ain't like it used to be.

Don't you remember when we would all climb into the wagon and the horses would pull us through the snowy fields to the little white church with the steeple, and then after the services were over, we'd continue on, all the while singing carols like "Silent Night," to Grandma's house where we'd gather around the beautifully decorated real tree and daddy would say a prayer of thanks for the birth of baby Jesus and then the children would quietly open presents while the adults would smile and drink coffee laced with real cream?

You don't remember that? Well! That's what Christmas is all about! And that's why we greet friends and neighbors and even strangers, heck, even people we know don't know Jesus, with a hearty "Merry Christmas," you know, just to show them that we, at least, know the reason for the season!


It's just that it's getting harder these days 'cause the ACLU and Americans United for the Separation of Church and State and MoveOn and the Huffington Post and The New York Times and Talk 2 Action, and Media Matters, and ... well, there are all kinds of atheistic, anti-God groups out there who are fighting a war on Christmas and most of all they want to take Christ out of Christmas and make it Xmas. They want to make everybody stop saying "Merry Christmas" and stores to stop playing Christmas carols, and good Christians to stop putting up creches in front of courthouses!

But we've got just the thing with which to fight back! Buy the "It's OK to say Merry Christmas!" button or glossy sticker available at the American Family Association store here.

Don't let the pagans win! Show your faith! Stand firm. Say "Merry Christmas" to everybody! Demand the stores where you shop have someone out front wishing customers a "Merry Christmas." If the store refuses, or they have someone greeting customers with "Happy holidays!" boycott the store.

Then pin on your button and wear it proudly! Wear it everywhere! Wear it in the shower when you're singing carols (women can stick the pin through their ear lobes; men better pin it to a towel). Wear it to bed. Wear it to work. Wear it to your indictment. Wear it to church.

Jesus will love you and you will be rewarded with the Christian Medal of Honor for heroically defending the faith in the war on Christmas and you'll probably go to heaven where you can wear your "Merry Christmas" button and your Christian Medal of Honor as you parade around the Golden Arches. Oh, wait a minute. The Golden Arches are the other place. I should have said golden streets.

Oh...hold on, I'm just getting a fax from the strangest area code...777 something. Here it comes. Holy Crap! It looks like a business letter. The corporate name is "Heaven, LLC." Underneath that is a logo - the Star of David. Uh, oh. It says:

"Dear Friend,

"You are quite an idiot. In heaven we do not have golden streets. They are bronze. And nobody wears medals up here because we are all heroes.

"Furthermore, we don't understand this "war" on Christmas at all.

"We don't celebrate Christmas here. We celebrate Hannukah!

"So 'Happy Holidays" is fine because "holiday" means "holy day," and that way everyone can have a good time during the winter solstice.

"Yours for all eternity,

"J.C. (for God)"