Thursday, August 14, 2008

Rapture insurance for your beloved pets

Thanks to BSAlert for this one.

An ad at Craigslist offers to take care of your beloved pets when you are raptured into heaven by the Lord Jesus.

The ad begins by quoting a few verses from the New Testament -- Matthew 24:36 and 1 Thessalonians 4:15-17 -- which stress the fact that no one knows just when Jesus is coming back to reclaim his faithful believers (I was going to write "followers," but we know that for fundy Christians "right" belief is primary, and actions are secondary).

It's the passage from Thessalonians where many wingnuts get their "rapture" notions as it speaks of the Lord descending from heaven "with a shout, with the voice of an archangel, and with the trumpet of God." Interestingly, however, it says the dead are gonna "rise first." Then all those who are still alive will be "caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air."

Whoop dee do! All those ashes and dust will certainly create more global warming, though!

For those folks who truly believe this tripe, and are worried about what will happen to their pets as they fly off into the atmosphere, a new service is being offered to ease their minds and their consciences.

And, no, pets are not allowed into heaven. Only those who are "born again" will see the kingdom of God.

'Tis a problem. Think of your beloved "Rover," "stuck inside your empty house, starving to death with no one to feed [him], let [him] out to potty, or..."

'Tis a problem no longer. A "moral and loving pet owner" who is an atheist (and thus certain to be left behind at the Rapture) will take care of your pet(s) for "a small deposit of $50 ... from the time you are raptured until the end of their natural life."

Speaking religiously, that sounds like a hell of a good deal! You won't need money in heaven anyway!


Anonymous said...

Thank God, someone will take care of my two dogs, if I am floating up during the Rapture. I know they will try to follow me and I hope the insurer can get to my house rally fast. I will leave instructions as to feeding each, as they have special needs. I usually make sure there is plenty of water in their dish when I leave the house. One is quite old and needs help. The other is only five years old and very active. They get along very well and I trust the insurer will take good care of them when I am gone. How can I find out if my area is covered adequately so that my dogs are cared for? Where should I hide the keys to my house and how will the insurer get past the guard at the gate?
Bob Poris

Anonymous said...

I know my little doggy Humpy will really appreciate it. I wonder if they charge extra if they have to drive all the way from Kansas to Utah every day to feed him?

Anonymous said...

Dear Anonymous, I have had many wonderful dogs during my long life and hope to join them all someday. My hope is that they will all get along well and that I can exercise and care for all of them. How will the logistics work? I lived in many places and they are buried in many palces. How do they all find me?

Anonymous said...

I just hope and pray the person posting this finds their way "up". God Bless.

Anonymous said...

The atheists are pragmatists! They believe Jesus Christ will not return, so they'll make money at the benefit or others... if anybody would actually take this seriously!

JowBlow said...

It's not to MAKE MONEY that the guy did this tards, it's to show how RETARDED fundy christurds are!

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