Sunday, April 26, 2009

Why Texas should secede

I'm all for Texas leaving the union.

Texas, these days, seems to be full of racists, rednecks, nogoodniks, neanderthals, stupids, morons, Repugnicans, and assholes. This became obvious when I watched a bit of the so-called Tea Parties held in Texas which had nothing to do with tea or anything else that made sense. What sense can be had from the fact that every idiot who participated in a tea party and makes less than $250K a year is being given a tax cut from the Obama administration? Huh?

As we've said before the Boston nogoodniks who tossed tea into Boston Harbor so long ago were pissed, not because they had to pay taxes, but rather because they had no representation in Parliament.

The present-day Tea Partiers, ignorant morons that they are, are not only represented in Congress but are actually getting tax breaks from the government!

Which means that most of this noise was pure racism. They just don't like a black president!

That's not to deny there are lots of good folks in Texas, but it looks like they're just gonna have to immigrate to the United States.

The secession of Texas would be wonderful! For one thing, it would save the rest of us a ton of money. Rick Perry, the moronic governor of Texas, is telling the people of Texas that the federal government is a like a vampire, sucking the financial blood of the hardworking folks living in the Lone Star State.

Rick Perry is a liar. For every dollar Texas sends to the federal government, Texas gets 88 cents back! That's one of the highest ratios of all the states and almost double what most receive in return for their dollar.

So, actually, we might say that Texas is like a vampire, sucking the financial blood of all the rest of us!

I've put together (quickly) a list of some of consequences of Texas' secession. You may think of many more and can add them to the list.

1. No FEMA in cases of natural disasters.
2. No FAA to keep airplanes from crashing into one another and into the ground.
3. No military to protect Texas.
4. All military bases in Texas will close and be transferred to the United States.
5. No more scientific research grants.
6. No grants to Texas' universities.
7. No federal loans for Texas college students.
8. No mortgage assistance for people buying homes.
9. No small business loans.
10. No Medicare.
11. No Medicaid.
12. No Social Security.
13. No federal aid for hospitals.
14. Texas will have to pay the United States for the Interstate Highways.
15. No federal money for road construction or other infrastructures.
16. No border patrol. Texas will have to set up its own border patrol.
17. No federal prisons.
18. No national parks.
19. No education funding.
20. The Houston Space Center will be relocated.
21. No more special allowances for oil companies located in Texas.
22. No federal courts.
23. No FBI.
24. No DEA.
25. No CIA
26. No OSHA.
27. No FCC.
28. No EPA.
29. No FDA.
30. No Veterans administration or veterans hospitals.
31. Here's a list of other federal assistance to Texas (and other states) and these will all be discontinued:
a. Aid to Families with Dependent Children
b. Alcohol, Drug Abuse, and Mental Health Services Block Grant
c. Child and Adult Care Food Program
d. Community Development Block Grant
e. Conservation Reserve Program
f. Federal Pell Grant (mentioned above: loans to college students)
g. Food Stamp Program
h. Head Start
i. Local Law Enforcement Block Grant
j. Section 8 Housing Choice Voucher
k. Temporary Assistance for Needy Families

I know this list is woefully incomplete. Please feel free to add to it.

One other thing. Chuck Norris wants to be president of the Republic of Texas. That would serve 'em right. I'll bet he's almost as smart as Ronald Reagan, another B-grade movie actor who knew from nothing.

Oh, and George W. Bush could run for president of Texas. He damned near ruined the state while governor, and he did ruin the United States, but, what the hell, Texans will probably give him another change. Tom DeLay could be vice-president. He's even more immoral than Cheney! Karl Rove could be attorney general and waterboard everybody who didn't agree with him!

The NRA would be given a special seat in the Legislature to make sure that every single possible kind of weapon be available everywhere guns are sold to everyone without regard to race, creed, sex, or even age!


A World Quite Mad said...

You know, I think at that point Austin would secede from Texas. They're primarily liberal and democrat. I don't think that any of that would go over real well with people in Austin, or Houston or Dallas for that matter. Over all, I would say the state is actually pretty much split down the middle like the rest of the country, if you ignore all the Republican's gerrymandering. Indeed, it would be like a Civil War of Texas at that point. And you know, in Texas, even the liberals have guns >.<


So what does this boil down to? Perry is a fucking idiot. ;)

Oh, and BTW, I ain't leaving this state. I have property here. If the Rethugs want to secede, they need to go find their own little patch of land somewhere else. In fact, I'll bet quite a bit that there are plenty of people here who would donate to buy them an island in the south Pacific that we could dump them all on.

Jacob said...


Yup, you got me! I lived there 14 years (I think I mistakenly said 10 before) and I was a lib. And I know Perry represents mostly the freaks and crazies.

But, it made for a good post, right? And it does point out what assholes Perry and the rest of the tea bagging crazies are.

So, let's get all the libs and sane people together and throw out Perry, the Republicans, racists, rednecks, skinheads, etc.

By the way I also thought of another federal "giveaway" - the FDIC.

Thanks for writing. I had a good laugh!

A World Quite Mad said...

:D My pleasure! And yes, it is a funny post. And very informative too. You know, we often don't think about all the things that the government does for us. It's like the Monty Python scene "What did the Romans ever do for us?" in the Life of Brian.

I'm all for letting the crazies have their own country, somewhere else.

Grandpa Eddie said...

The only thing that I can see that may be incorrect would be the sale of guns. I think the only people in the new Republic of Texas who would be allowed to own guns would be white. I don't picture them letting Hispanics or blacks own any guns, they'd be too afraid they would start shooting white folks.

Jacob said...

You're absolutely right, GE!

Anonymous said...

Check your facts. Anything below 1 dollar returned means a state is a donor state. Texas sends more to Washington than it receives in benefits. Losing Texas would mean losing net tax dollars. Lots of states receive more than 1 dollar back per dollar sent. In the end, it all evens out at a 1:1 ratio. Few if any states only get 44 cents back per dollar sent. It doesn't even make sense for most states to get back that little mathematically.

Anonymous said...

I suspect Bush would not win a run for President of TX.

You forgot all those federal buildings. And the railroads. Some negotiating will be necessary for all of that.

NV Blue

Jacob said...

@ NV - You're probably right re: Bush.

I probably missed other things, too. Thanks for adding to the list!

Anonymous said...

Wow this is a very liberal site. Just think if Texas didn't have to give all that money to the federal government we could fund that list you gave ourselves. We would do a better job of keeping crimanals off the street so we would not restrict people from having guns because of race or any thing else. The U.S. would miss our electricity and oil and fuel we have, and many other resources we export from Texas. Yall (non Texans) have been blinded by a few bad apples and think it has spoiled the whole bunch. We are a good bunch of people who help each other. You didn't see us crying "Where's FEMA" when Galveston was wiped out by a hurricane. We take care of our own problems and the rest of the U.S. should take a lesson in that.

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