Al-gebra terrorist arrested (revised for The New Nerd Times)

A number of people were arrested at New York's Kennedy Airport today on suspicion of terrorism. All were eventually released except for number 1, a prime suspect who was apprehended while trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

Upon further investigation, the authorities added up their evidence and discovered that not only was this number 1 a teacher in the New York public school system, but he was also thought to be a member of the notorious and secretive Al-gebra movement.

Attorney General Mike Muckupcasey summed up things at a press conference where he wrote on a chalkboard that prime suspect number 1 was in custody and would be charged with possession of weapons of math instruction. The FBI believes he fully intended to use these weapons on many unsuspecting students in the school where he was employed.

Before leaving to give the President advice on how to tap telephones without Congressional approval, Muckupcasey warned the reporters present as to how Al-gebra was a "fearsome cult." Muckupcasey said Al-gebraeans "desire solutions by means and extremes and often go on tangents in search of absolute values.

"They are hard to catch because they use secret code names like 'X' and 'Y' and on the Internet they refer to themselves as the 'Unknowns.' We have discovered, however, that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

"As the Greek philanderer Iso sceles used to say, 'There are three sides to every triangle.'"


The reporters, representing the MSM, headed for the White House post haste and en masse. The President was located in the Rose Garden counting his petals. Muckupcasey had just left but the President said he'd be happy to answer any questions concerning things for which they had not yet calculated answers.

When asked about prime suspect number 1, the President said "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes."

Two White House aides clapped loudly and told the reporters they could not recall a more intelligent and profound statement by the President, except for the time when he stepped in a pile of cowshit in Crawford. While what he said was indeed intelligent and profound, they could not repeat it for prime time.

Bush beamed and thus encouraged, continued to add to the discussion. Nothing, it seemed, could subtract from his enjoyment of the moment:

"I am gratified," spake the President, "that God hath given our government a sine that is intent on protracting these math-dogs who want to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murkey statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence. Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line."

He then ordered one of the two aides, which was one half the number of aides present, to go retrieve for him a vodka martini, which was to be carried over the shoulder from the White House bar to the Rose Garden.

When the aide returned, the President, sipping his drink continued: "Ah, let's see where was I? Muckupcasey, are you still here? No? He's not here? Why can't I ever count on that SOB? Well, all right, we'll continue on to draw the proper conclusion.

"These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex."

The aides clapped so loudly the reporters awakened with a start. Two fell off the rickety chairs onto their asses in the grass.

Meanwhile, Muckupcasey, the Attorney General, had returned. He whispered in the President's ear something which made the President's entire face turn red, and he whispered back "What airport stall?" with just enough volume for the reporters to hear.

Muckupcasey, realizing the situation had become untenable or unfiveable, in other words, something was amiss, grabbed the mike from the President's trembling fingers and said:

"As our Great Leader who stands here before us today would say, "Read my ellipse."

Muckupcasey sat down. One of the aides brought him a vodka martini which he drank in one gulp. He stood back up. He said:

"The Al-gebra movement is fearsome. It is frightening. It is death on pencils and erasers. It often leads us on calculated journeys where we fail to find solutions. But there is one principle our Great Leader is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypoteneuse tightens around their necks."

The aides clapped loudly. The president awakened suddenly and fell off his rickety chair on his ass in the grass. Muckupcasey sat down in his rickety chair and went to sleep. The reporters left for their offices to write about how the most feared terrorist was amathmetized and the President couldn't hold his liquor since becoming a twice-born Texan.

(Thanks to my good friend Bob for sending me one version of this story. The story is all over the Internet and I could find no attribution of authorship. The above is my revised version of the story.)