Friday, August 24, 2012
Is God gonna get the Christian Republicans?
It's Monday. August 27. In Tampa. Hurricane Isaac is bearing down on the Tampa Bay Times Forum. The Christian Republican Party is on its many-splendored knees imploring their deity to do something! "Do it now! Stop the wind! Stop the rain! We believe. We've always believed. We're pro-life! We hate gays! Gay marriage is an abomination! We love capitalism just like Jesus! We've taken care of the rich just like it says in the 11th Commandment!"
Is that a funny scene or what?
Usually, when a natural disaster occurs, fulminators of stupidity such as Pat Robertson, the late Jerry Falwell, Mike Huckabee, etc., inform us that God is really pissed at American liberal pagans who believe that the government should actually try to help people achieve their dreams and the disaster that befalls us means God is living up to his promise to destroy our country if we don't change our ways which further means, of course, that every good Christian should try to stomp on as many liberal/progressive people as possible!
Now, it appears these religious boobs may have been wrong all along! The weather people, as we know, don't have a clue yet where the Tropical Storm (potential Hurricane) Isaac is going to land. Maybe God is more pissed at the folks in Texas than in Florida so he will send Isaac over to Rick Perry's fantasy land.
Nevertheless, God has already disrupted carefully laid plans (if you can say "laid" in a Christian Republican context) for the Christian Republican Convention.
One reason for this, a reason yet unmentioned by the media so far as I know, is the fact that what has made God really angry is that the Christian Republicans are about to nominate a MORMON to run for president on the Christian Republican ticket! "My God," said God, "Are they freaking nuts? Don't they know Mormonism is an abomination in my sight? A cult? A dangerous cult? Mormons aren't Christians, for Christ's sake!"
Christian Republicans should know that you can't fool God. You can't take the easy way out and choose just anybody to run for president merely 'cause he is obscenely rich, doesn't give a damn about regular people, wants to cut taxes on the rich and beat up on the poor, sick and elderly. God knows Romney is a MORMON!
What were they thinking? Smoking? Drinking?
So here comes Isaac! Bearing down on Tampa! Run, you Christian Republicans, run!
Well, they're running a little scared, but they're not actually running. Kind of like Ryan's budget. It may look like a budget and act like a budget and walk like a budget but it's really just a plan to make the government weak and the rich strong so nobody can tell the billionaires what to do ever again!
To be specific: Crooks & Liars reports that "Plans are underway for Mr. Romney to be nominated on Monday -- not Wednesday as previously thought -- because of a potential threat from Tropical Storm Isaac and concerns about a possible disruption during the roll call vote from Ron Paul supporters at the Republican National Convention next week."
There might be another reason for the early nomination, too. Once Romney's nominated, "he can have access to the general election money he has spent months raising, putting him on the cusp of tapping into a significant financial advantage for the final two months of the race."
I live in Florida. We are inundated with Christian Republicans. Overflowing. Filled to the freaking brim. And we know all that talk about God sending natural disasters because of our pagan perfidy is a bunch of crap! I mean, really, we get clobbered by hurricanes all the time. So, we know that, if anything, God doesn't much care for Christian Republicans.
Therefore, it is very likely that Tampa will get hit. Bad. Big time. The Forum may be blown into the Garrison Channel. Huckabee may end up hanging from a tree in Sarasota. Romney and Ryan may end up in Kansas where the Christian Republicans will immediately build a statue in their honor.
Us Florida folks don't want any more hurricanes. But if it would clean out some of the riff-raff at the Christian Republican Convention...well, hell, we're tough. Bring it on!
Posted by Jacob at 11:18 AM