No nursing home for me, I'm going to the Holiday Inn!

With the cost for nursing home care averaging about $188 per day, there is, it seems, a better way to live when we get old and feeble.

Call your local Holiday Inn.  By combining a long-term stay discount with a senior discount, the cost comes to $59.23 a night for two people.  Breakfast is included and if you're lucky you'll find a Holiday Inn that offers a "happy hour" in the afternoon.  That leaves $128.77 a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant you wish, for room service, laundry, gratuities or special TV movies.

Not only so, but Holiday Inn provides a spa, a swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and a washer-dryer, etc.

Most Holiday Inns offer free toothpaste and razors and hair dryers, and all have free soap and shampoo.  Five dollars in tips a day will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

They'll treat you like a customer or guest, not like a patient.

Out front is a city bus stop and seniors ride free.  A handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).  To meet other nice people, call for a church bus on Sundays.

If you desire a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle and eat at one of the restaurants there.  While you're at the airport, fly somewhere.  (Otherwise, the cash keeps building up!)

It takes months to get into a decent nursing home.  Holiday Inn will take your reservation today!  And you're not stuck in one place forever - you can move from Inn to Inn, from city to city.  Want to see Hawaii?  You'll find Holiday Inns there, too!

TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem.  They fix everything and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Inn has a night security person and daily room service.  The maid checks to see if you are okay.  If not, they'll call an ambulance ... or the undertaker.  If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will be happy to pay for the hip and Holiday Inn will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And you don't need to worry about what to do if your family comes to visit.  Holiday Inn is a great place for a family mini-vacation and the grandkids can use the pool and other facilities.

What else could one ask for?

Now, if I could only find their number...



h/t to my friend, Sylvia, for this entertaining essay.