Jesus is a doll!

Perhaps you're already doing your Xmas schlepping. Do you have a little Christian niece or nephew that you really don't much like? You wouldn't want to buy one of these atrocities for your own child, but you could upset a kooky relative or two.

We're talking about a talking Jesus doll. It really talks...not Aramaic, though, or Hebrew, it talks English. And Jesus' face gives a pained appearance while he spews out "the teachings of the Bible...one character at a time." The doll "recites easy-to-memorize verses from the Books of John, Mark, Psalms, Luke and Exodus for your children to learn and remember for the rest of their life."

Shoot! I was hoping Jesus would recite a few verses from the Song of Songs - just to spice things up a bit - maybe this passage:

"O daughter of nobles!
Your rounded thighs are like jewels,
The work of a master's hand.
Your navel is like a round goblet--
Let mixed wine not be lacking!--
Your belly like a heap of wheat
Hedged about with lilies.
Your breasts are like two fawns,
Twins of a gazelle. ...

Your stately form is like the palm,
Your breasts are like clusters.
I say: Let me climb the palm,
Let me take hold of its branches;
Let your breasts be like clusters of grapes.
Your breath like the fragrance of apples,
And your mouth like choicest wine.
Let it flow to my beloved as new wine
Gliding over the lips of sleepers."

(from the Jewish Study Bible, Tanakh Translation)


The Talking Jesus Doll (with prayer book) will arrive at your house dressed in "Authentic linen robes," a "Coarse shawl," a "Rope belt," and "Traditional sandals."

Best of all, this is "a great way to create a personal connection between God's word and your child."

We aren't told, however, which version of the biblical legends this doll recites. Is it the King James Version, the New English Bible, the Jerusalem Bible, the New International Version, the Douay Version? When Jesus recites from Psalms and Exodus, does he refer to the Hebrew Bible, one of the Torah versions, of perhaps the Septuagint?

That could make a difference 'cause every "real" Christian knows that God wrote only the King James Version.

You can order your Talking Jesus Doll here, for only $19.95. Beware, though, it is only for people who love really tacky religious crap.