Screw the people says SC Gov. Mark Sanford

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Gov. Mark Sanford opposes stimulus money for South Carolina

It must be something in the water. More kooks come crawling out of South Carolina than most any other state in the Union. That's always been true, come to think of it.

Now, Mark Sanford, the Repugnican guv of South Carolina says he ain't gonna take no $3.2 billion in stimulus money for his state! That should warm the hearts of his constituents! Yup, he's agin' the fedural gov'mint payin' fer stuff with money they don't got.

Hold on, says a couple of Republican legislative leaders...we could sure use some of that money, like $480 mil to fix our infrastructure.

Nope, says Sanford.


In Congress, though, South Carolina Democrat, Jim Clyburn, (one of the good guys) snuck in a little provision to the stimulus act which would do an end-run around Sanford. It says if a governor does not act within 45 days after the bill passes, state legislative leaders can, with a statement, accept the federal aid.

Sanford claims to be all worried about deficit spending. Well, where has he been for eight long years? How the hell does he think we've "paid" for Iraq and Afghanistan and all the other monkey business dreamed up by the bozos in the Bush administration?

But maybe there's more to it. You see, Clyburn got his eyes on using the stimulus money to help the poor folks in South Carolina. Now, if there's anything that Republicans don't want to do it is use guv'mint money to help poor folks (read Black). Guv'mint money's good for the rich white folks, but let's not go crazy here.

Clyburn's going a bit crazy. He wants to help the nation's poorest counties and bump up aid to "historically black colleges and universities."

Can't have that; 'specially in South Carolina!

Oh, yeah, Jim DeMint, da Candy Man, is gonna "help lead Senate opposition to the stimulus plan."

Of course he is.


[One final moment of terror: there are Repugs who are talking about Sanford running for prez in 2012. Aaargh!]

"Rice ready" cars

It isn't surprising that O.C. Welch hails from South Carolina. South Carolina is the great state that gave us Strom Thurmond and now Jim DeMint.

What's one more racist from Carolina south?

Welch runs a Ford dealership near Hardeeville. He's angry because his car sales have taken a dive. He decided the way to deal with that was to place an ad on local radio stations blasting people who dare buy cars from Toyota.

"All you people that buy all your Toyotas and send that money to Japan, you know, when you don't have a job to make your Toyota car payment, don't come crying to me. All those cars are rice ready. They're not road ready."


Rice ready? Is that an accusation of shoddy workmanship? Hopefully not, as Toyota manufactures 60% of their vehicles in the U.S. of A. Toyota puts 36,600 Americans to work building their cars.

Rice ready? Every Ford vehicle I've had was nothing but trouble, starting with a new hardtop in 1957! By the 1980's I was sick of dealing with American-made cars that fell apart on the road. My new 1996 Toyota Camry was a dream. After seven years it still looked and drove as good as new.


Floyd Mori, executive director of the Japanese American Citizens League, was not too happy with Mr. Welch, and noted that Welch's "rice ready" remark was "a blatant, ignorant, racist remark from somebody who should know better."

Yup!

If Mr. Welch is angry that fewer people are buying his Ford vehicles, he might want to put at least some of the blame on the Ford company which, like Chrysler and GM, keeps building cars that people don't want to drive.

But, again, Mr. Welch is from South Carolina, so you can't expect much.

A priestly hell

According to one so-called "man of god," a Roman Catholic priest in South Carolina, Catholics who voted for Barack Obama are going to hell and should not receive communion unless "they are reconciled to God in the Sacrament of Penance, lest they eat and drink their own condemnation."

When word of what this priest said got to heaven, Jesus Christ, sitting at the right hand of the Father, who is himself, next to the Holy Ghost, who is also himself, said loudly to the angel Gabriel, who was seated in front of the trinitarian One, "Jesus Christ! These people are idiots! Did they not ever listen to what I said? Bring me a martini, Gabe, straight-up, shaken, not stirred."

"Aye, aye, Sirs," said Gabe, who straight-away went to find a bar. There's one on every corner in heaven, you know.

"Now, settle down, Jeez," said the Father who is Jeez and the Holy Ghost. "No sense getting your robe in a knot. They'll never learn. We made a serious mistake with that vision you cooked up for the faux rabbi, Paul! Who knew he'd screw everything up so badly?"

"Hey," chimed in the Holy Ghost who is Jeez and the Father. "I could do one of my numbers on that priest and make him disappear when he's putting on his alb in the sacristy. Presto! I could turn him into sacramental wine. He'd be gone."

"Ah, phooey," said Jeez. "That wouldn't solve the problem. Those damn bishops are making all kinds of noise about this abortion thing, too. God, you'd think they'd have better things to do!"

"Yup!" said the father.

"You know we worked hard to get Obama in the White House," said the Holy Ghost. "All those damn prayer warriors whining about that goofball cheerleader from Alaska! Give me a break!"

"That was a pain," said Jeez. "They just about shut down our whole system for a month! Wait until I get my hands on that Muthee character and that Dobson nut out in Colorado Springs! Muthee's gonna do about a million years with the witch of Endor. That oughta shut him up! And Dobson, well, when I get through with him, he'll be begging me to toss him off the top of Pike's Peak!"

"So, what now?" asked the Father.

"I don't know," the Trinity cried in unison. "We've fought these self-righteous bastards for 2,000 years and what have we got to show for it? Benedict XVI, John Hagee, Dobson, Ted Haggard, Pat Robertson, Joel's Army, Pentecostalism ... I'm about ready to throw in the towel."

"Nah, we can't do that," said Jeez. "We've got too much invested. Boy, I sure wish we'd had better biblical editors. They really screwed things up. Nobody knows what to believe and the ones who think they know are making the situation worse."

"All right, I'm about ready for my nap," said the Father as Jesus and the Holy Ghost suddenly became very tired. "We gave these idiots free will and we can't go back on our word. But we can change our reward system, 'cause they really don't know what we've got planned. I'd suggest that a special hell be set up where all those who claim to have the Truth will go when they die. It will involve horrible torture and I expect there will be lots of pain and screaming. But we'll let the Devil deal with that."

Jesus and the Holy Ghost, almost asleep now, asked groggily, "What the hell are you talking about, Dad?" They never call the Father, Dad, unless they're very tired and of course being One they already knew what he was talking about.

"We're going to make them listen to Sarah Palin speeches over and over again for seven million years!"

"Oh, my God!" they exclaimed in a unified trinitarian cry.

And then, the three of them, as one, took a nap.

But that South Carolina priest has no idea what he's in for!